Unfortunately the last four days , off and on, I have been experiencing very severe pain in my stump, as well as, in my phantom leg. I do have moments of relief and thankfully I have been able to sleep some nights, however, this is been the hardest part of my recovery so far. I am writing this blog to ask for your extra prayers. I would like the pain to just stop altogether, but if not I will ask for prayer for the strength to endure it and prayer for the wisdom for the doctors to figure out what's going on.
Tomorrow (Monday), David and I are going into Boston. I already had needed to go to pick up a prescription and get a blood test at the hospital so we are going to hopefully get an appointment to see an orthopedic doctor as well. Unfortunately, my surgeon is out of town, I heard from her via email today. If I can't I get an appointment to see an orthopedic doctor then I will probably be going to the emergency room at children's hospital.
Please pray (if you see this tonight) that I can sleep. Please pray that the car ride, which takes at least an hour, is not unbearably painful. And please pray that everything is ok with my stump, that there are no major problems and that the pain subsides and we can continue on with the recovery.
Thank you all for your prayers and support. I know God is with me, but I will be honest that this has been a hard week. I want to be honest because I know there are a lot of people out there who are going through their own struggles, who may feel like they're doing something wrong because they are having a hard time dealing with what God has brought into their lives.
I have said this before, and I'm going to say it again, I believe that God is big enough and filled with enough grace and mercy to let me have days where I struggle, days where I am angry, days where I'm sad. But I also believe that this God is always with me and is faithful to work even my angry, sad, mad, doubtful days into something beautiful for my good. And maybe because the pain right now has subsided a little I can say that I know that there is joy even in this hard time, but I don't necessarily say that when I'm screaming in pain. And I think that God is ok with that. I don't know why he lets the pain happen, that's a whole other blog post and debate, but when I focus on what I do know (after the pain subsides and I can focus) then I can find the joy. So what do I know? Besides how much pain I'm in. ???? Well, I know that it is God's nature to be good, loving, kind, merciful, full of grace, etc. I know that I have support from my husband (which also backs up all the stuff about God cause God brought him to me at just the right time) and I know that God is with me through all of this, I am his child and I know that I might not be able to do everything, but I can "through Him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13).
I know there are a lot of people out there who are going through a lot of different "pains" in their life. Maybe right now what you're going through is emotional, or maybe it is physical, or maybe it's both. Maybe it's the pain of losing someone, or maybe it's the challenge of a life change you weren't expecting, or maybe it's a daily struggle with pain and depression. First, like I said before I think there are times when we just scream and cry. And I think that God is big enough to handle that, and not surprised by it. You're screaming and crying might be completely different than mine, it might even not be an audible screaming and crying, but we all have times when we just are in immense pain. I just want to encourage you if you're there that if you have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ He is there with you. And like I said before He is big enough to give you the grace to get mad, sad, angry, swear, yell, scream. But when you have a moment, where you can focus a little bit, here's a word of encouragement. And please don't take this as just someone preaching to you, who has no idea what it's like. Hear this from someone who did a lot of swearing and screaming of her own this week. Take a moment and try to focus on the things that you do know about God.
If you don't know a lot about God, ask him who he is. And get a bible and read about who he is. Sometimes I even just google something like "verses on God's goodness" or "verses on God's mercy". The Bible I believe is God's words to us so what better way to find out who he is than to read His words.
Hear is something cool that I have learned at some point in my journey with God. There's a scripture in Philippians where he actually gives us a great encouragement for how to find joy. In Philippians 4 Paul starts out by saying "always be full of joy" (verse 4). Sometimes I get mad at Paul for what he says because he is a little blunt, but I do believe it is God's inspired word and I do believe that God wants our lives to be full of joy. All right, so Paul how do we be full of joy? Then Paul says "do not worry about anything" and goes on by saying that we should ask God for what we need and thank him for what he's done. But then after that Paul say something that is often missed. He says we should "fix our thoughts…" or like what I've been saying try and focus. Focus on what you know to be true about God and what is good about your life, even though there is pain.
OK so I guess what I thought would be a short post turned out to be a lot longer. And I'm actually getting very tired. But thankfully God allowed me to have the strength and time without pain in order to write this post. I encourage you to write down some of the things that you know to be true about God. Things that are honorable and true and right about your situation. Write down scripture you find where God promises things like "he will never leave us or forsake us" (Deuteronomy 31:6) so that the times where you need to focus on what is true..., you have somewhere to easily reference, especially when you're not feeling good.
Just so you know this blog post has been more of a reminder for me than anything, but I hope it will encourage someone out there too.
Always with love, Angela #oneleggedwoman